First Posting

So I decided to start an official blog. Not entirely sure who'd want to read the crap that goes on in my life, or my constant whining. But you know, I've learned if I don't put it down on paper, or somehow express my feelings through words, I go bonkers. So I'm just going to pre-warn anyone who actually wastes 10 minutes of their day to read what goes on in my mind, if you're easily offended, can't stand openness, etc...this is NOT the blog for you. Think of this as my Diary. I will use names (to an extent), experiences, whatever is on my mind, what's going on in my heart, love/heartaches/heartbreaks, anger, frustration, loathing (well maybe not so much...), desperation, anxiety. Be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster!

So first things first. My writings on my blog...are MY property. If I see anyone taking my poetry, or what I say to use them in a negative way, I will personally drive to your house, and kick you in the rear so hard, NASA is going to have to send some of their astronauts to come and fetch you from Pluto. Got it? I'm a nice girl, and I love to love...but you screw with me, you will reap in the rewards of my wrath. So there. That's said. Whew. A load off my chest.

I'm sure if you're reading my first post, then either a) you know me, b) you're stalking me, c) you're SUPER bored and stumbled across the blog, d) psychotic, e) or you wish to get to know me better....or f) all of the above (yes, there is an option F, this isn't the SATs kids).

Sooo if you know me...skip this paragraph. If you don't know me, THINK you know me, or want to get to know me, read on. My name is Beverly. I prefer Bev to Beverly only because then I know you're attempting to be my friend. Beverly is so formal, and I hate it with a passion. Even worse, Beverly Ann. Call me that, and I'll give you a look and walk away. Wow, I'm coming off as a real jerk aren't I? :) Don't worry, I'm not. Read on...

After that formality, continuing. I'm 27 (at this moment, so those who read this blog in say...10 years...obviously I'm NOT 27...I'll be 29), and I live in New Jersey. I'm 5'5'', average built, although working on a slender/athletic built, and let me just say, it's frustrating. What the hell happened to my gorgeous body 10 years ago? Oh yeah left that behind in High School. I'm not vain, I don't want to look 20 forever, but I do want to take good care of myself. You only live once, you only have one body, and your boobs are only perky naturally once. So I plan to try and keep that for as long as I can before gravity and nature kicks in. I don't think highly of myself, but I don't think I'm ugly either. Take what you will from my looks, but I think I have a kind face, souful eyes, and a comforting/warm smile.

I'm open about my feelings (if you ask me). If you expect me to offer my feelings freely, you're mistaken. That's what the blog is for. My reasoning? Well, if you're here on my site reading my blog, then obviously you're asking in a way "What are you feeling?" so I can offer my words. I will not just walk right up to you and say "Hey guess what? I feel like crap today". Sorry. I love to laugh, and find the most obscure things hilarious. Sometimes I even laugh when I really shouldn't because either I didn't expect it, or I try to imagine myself doing that incredibly embarrassing thing. I love to love. I've had my heart broken numerous times and each time worse than the last.

I feel my heart is at it's end now. I don't know how much heartache I can handle. They say the heart is the strongest organ in our body, but I disagree. I believe it's the most fragile, because it's easily broken. I don't like putting my heart on the line, because I don't like how it feels when it's turned down. So analyzing that paragraph, yes it's safe to say I am flying solo. I've been single physically for 2+ years, and emotionally/romantically for 5. If I say I'm in love, or in major like with someonen, be scared...be very scared. Not that I'm unreachable, but I have high standards in men. I don't mean to be that way to be awful, or to shun any man who approaches me. Let's just say, I've been through way too many frogs, and I'm now waiting for my Prince. Yes. I am a hopeless romantic.

I still believe romance is alive, chivalry is not dead, and there is a man out there who is the yin to my yang. My last ex, I didn't put too much effort in the romance department, because he never reciprocated. My energy dwindled down, and I thought "Why put effort into something that's a dead end?" But for the right man, I will be who I am inside...my hopeless, devoted, love-sick, romantic self. My parents have an amazing marriage. My mother is there for my father at any given moment, and vice versa. Sure they have their disputes, but after 29 years, they're still hopelessly in love. That's what I want. My father does everything in his power to surprise my mom with little things here and there, whether it be a home made card with a cute cheesy pic of them, a note telling her to have a wonderful day, or a call to say he's thinking of her. That's amazing.

My dream man? Well...he's a dream. Obviously. But what I'm generally attracted to: someone who takes care of himself, and doesn't require a "mom" for a girlfriend. Of course I love spoiling him by cooking, back rubs, covering him in gentle kisses, etc...but not having to tell him what to do. I'm the woman in the relationship, so don't expect me to cut your dinner for you. I'll cook it, but it's up to you to use your utensils to do the rest. Ok. Independant is a must. Smart is another. Not someone who reads a random fact, then all of a sudden he's an expert in the subject. Please...don't even try. I like proving people wrong, so you need to be prepared for research, because yes, I will research it if I don't find your answer credible. The last ex tried to tell me how to take photographs (this is what I have studied extensively for the last 6 years and what my degree is in), when all he did was work in the photo department at Walgreens. Sorry, there is a major difference. You're popping film into a machine that does the rest, while I'm out analyzing my subjects, lighting, coloring, film exposure, depth of field, color contrast, white balance, etc. So like I said, don't read one fact, and act like an expert. I'm good at disproving fakes. I've been told I would've made a good lawyer. So continuing. Height...you know, I used to care deeply about it. But now, not so much. As long as he's taller than me, I don't care. So anyone 5'7'' and up we're good. :) Then I can wear 2" heels and be eye level. Race? Yes, I am picky here. I'm not prejudiced, so keep this in mind. I had a HUGE crush on a boy when I was younger who was black and had nothing against him. It just didn't work out because I moved away. But I'm generally attracted to my whities. LoL. ((Hey, I'm 1/2 Filipino, so don't be thinking I'm sticking to my kind. I'm so far from white.)) Hair? No preference. I do like light colored hair and it's the first thing I notice, but dark colored is ok too. No hair? That's perfectly fine, which means I can't blame you for clogging the drains in the shower. :D Eyes. Hm, now that's an interesting subject. I don't care about the color, but I do care about what I see when I look into them. Do I feel warmth? Coldness? There have been men I was attracted to, but when I looked into their eyes, I saw nothing. Just blue, brown, green, etc. Then again, there is one, whenever I look into his eyes, I feel like I'm swimming in his soul, and never want to leave those pools. His eyes are brown. So color doesn't matter, it's the feeling I have when I look into them. Talented. Yes. That to me is super sexy. I don't care what the talent is...take what God gave you, and give it your all. I love musicians, writers, singers (I'm a sucker for a man who can sing), dancers (there was one guy I was crazy about in my teen years...he was an amazing jazz dancer...turned out he was gay. Crappy!), pretty much any man that shares my interests and my talents. Artists in general. Because I classify myself as a computer geek artist. Age? No matter. A few years ago, I would say "HELL NO" to an older man. It was a pride thing. I didn't want the man thinking "Oh lookie. A younger woman, I can boss her around, tell her what to do, make her my biznatch". That'd been my fear. I dated an older man before, and he was exactly that. I was his prize trophy that hung on his arm, and nothing more. "Get me this, get me that" was how I was treated. But now that I'm approaching 30 (a few years), an older man is appealing. My reasons? Well, what is age exactly? Just a number. Does age equal experience? No. I know people who are in their 50s who are still naive, and ignorant. Whereas I'm 27 and I've experienced more than most have before they're in their 40s. Sure, I will agree with those who say women/men in their 20s are immature. I have the freedom to do that, because that's my generation. I have friends who are my age, and they're still out partying like they're 21, drinking until the sun comes up as if their body can handle it in the same way (hah!!), having random sex with strangers to add another tally mark to the wall of partners...I mean, COME ON people! Grow up already!

At the age of 5, I was holding intelligent conversations with adults. People have commented that I seem more mature than my age, and if it were not for my voice, and my young looking face, you'd mistake me for 36. Chatting online with people, they tend to forget my age. Which is a nice thing. But once they remember, I'm treated like a child all over again. I'm tired of being sterotyped. I know what I want out of my life, I know my goals, what I have to do to achieve them, sacrifices I'd have to make if I were to get married, the responsibilities of having children/husband...marriage and family is hard work, but you know, it's the one job that's the most rewarding. You see your child grow up to be an amazing adult, and your husband by your side as you go grey, senile on the porch in a rocking chair, and he's loving you during every moment (of course, you'd both be senile and that's why he loves you, because he can't remember your name or who you are). I'm sure a big reason why older men avoid younger women (the smart older men, not the ones going through a mid-life crisis), is because they've seen 20 year olds who just go out to clubs and want a sugar daddy. I assure you. I'm not looking for a man to be my daddy. I'm looking for a man who is my equal, my companion, best friend, lover, my crutch as I will be his, someone I can stand by his side and show the world I am proud of him and his accomplishments as a professional and a human being, and proud to say that he is the father of my child(ren). Someone who's open and honest with me, even if my feelings do get hurt (I don't mean someone critical, but someone who cares and points out my flaws if they're hurtful or harmful to others). Someone who will tell me "Bev, that shirt doesn't really look nice", or "Sweetheart, I think the dinner is a little salty". How am I supposed to improve as a wife/gf if you don't tell me what I'm doing wrong? Don't sugar coat something to spare my feelings. But also, don't flat out say "Your cooking tastes like shi*". Yeah, I appreciate honesty, but that's just downright harsh lol.

The only guys I've dated are the ones who make me get up to get them a drink because they're too comfortable, but when they get up, I ask for it, they say "Get your lazy butt up". I daydream about that man who thinks of me as much as I think of him. I don't care about material things, I can live without stuff, but randomness is very much appreciated by this woman. I've been treated like a "girl" for so long, I don't know how a woman is supposed to be treated. Cuddling, holding hands during a walk, holding the door open, offering the hand to help me with something...I don't know of that world. I've only dated "boys" in which I was forced to wear the pants in the relationship, make all the decisions, and put my foot down. I'm through with all that. Yes, I want a man. One who is mentally strong, (physically strong too is nice), smart, funny, talented, shares my beliefs in morals, and someone I can talk to about anything w/o having to fear he is going to laugh at me or call me stupid.

Let me assure you, I am not stupid. I have a very high IQ, and graduated with honors in High School, Associates Degree and my Bachelor's Degree. I'm booksmart, common sense smart, and street smart. So don't attempt to take advantage of me. You will get burned. I don't like being called negative names (unless we're joking, and I call you a ho, and you call me a hoochie...or whatever stupid thing we come up with). I was in a relationship for 2 years where all I was ever called was stupid, dumb, ignorant, and lacked a brain.

I believe in saying "Please" and "Thank you". I thank people for the lamest things (or what people would constitute as lame). If you hand me something, buy me something (even the simplest pack of tissues), hold the door open, help me down, even if you dish my plate for me. I was raised that way. If I don't say Thank You, then I'm either in a bad mood, or you ticked me off. I have a nasty temper which I'm getting better at controlling, so it's not rare if I'm upset. Come on...I'm Chinese, Spanish, Irish, Scottish, German, Swedish...that's just bad news all around. Unfortunately I don't have enough Dutch and Filipino in me to cancel out the temper. But I try to mask my anger until it's at a boiling point. Boiling point=migraine. I try to be patient, but it doesn't work for me. I'm patient in spurts. I don't like repeating myself more than twice for any reason, I can't stand when someone asks me how my day is then they say "I'm sorry, I missed that". Don't ask me if you don't want to know. Ah yes, and I can't stand morons. I'm not prejudiced against any color/race...I am prejudiced against stupid people. And by stupid I mean those who are smart but are oblivious that there is a world out there, and it doesn't revolve around them.

So all in all...I'm pretty sarcastic, but I love jokes, laughing, horror movies, romantic movies (by myself so I can cry alone), anything musical, any kind of music, dancing, singing, playing the piano/flute, computers (I heart computer games, i.e. World of Warcraft), website building, animals, colorful things, art, poetry, writing, short stories, silence, thinking, and I love being around people who challenge me mentally.